Monday, August 20, 2007
Anger
Why did you come back?... you were supposed to be part of the past… you don’t have anything to do here… I don’t need you here… you don’t belong to us anymore… I hate you and I don’t want to know anything else… I’m tired of you… I’m sick of you…Leave me alone… just leave us alone… We deserve some peace… We deserve to be happy… We shouldn’t be like that… we aren’t supposed to feel like that…I can’t live like that…It has been enough…I can’t stand it anymore…Stop please
Monday, August 13, 2007
Entries
“Why writing entries?” that was the first question that came to my mind when our English Language teacher told us we had to do. We were supposed to create a blog in which we had to publish pieces of writings and we were allowed to choose the topics. “It’s a waste of time”, I thought then. “How can you write for 30 minutes about different issues?, that’s not possible”. And then dozens of negative thoughts came to my mind about our given task.
Then, when I wrote my first entries which were about hidden thoughts, feelings or events that were part of my life and I considered them important, I felt relief. It was like a therapy as I’m a quite reserved person unable to speak about my feelings, and this way of writing helped me a lot.
Of course there were times in which I felt blocked and I didn’t know what to write about and as I am not a very creative person, I tended to write about events that happened to other people I know.
Now that the deadline is today and I’m supposed to have ready my 39 entries (and the articles), I decided to write about the effects of writing on me. It may cause me a bit of frustration, as I don’t have enough time to dedicate them; but they also make me feel relief, though I would have never imagined to be writing about me or my thoughts on a blog.
Then, when I wrote my first entries which were about hidden thoughts, feelings or events that were part of my life and I considered them important, I felt relief. It was like a therapy as I’m a quite reserved person unable to speak about my feelings, and this way of writing helped me a lot.
Of course there were times in which I felt blocked and I didn’t know what to write about and as I am not a very creative person, I tended to write about events that happened to other people I know.
Now that the deadline is today and I’m supposed to have ready my 39 entries (and the articles), I decided to write about the effects of writing on me. It may cause me a bit of frustration, as I don’t have enough time to dedicate them; but they also make me feel relief, though I would have never imagined to be writing about me or my thoughts on a blog.
He and She (first part)
He loved flirting with women (he loved doing that). He was a very handsome man who took advantage of his good-looking appearance to get women whenever he wanted and just with a finger click he got what he wanted. He was always surrounded by his friends, parties and women.
She was totally different. She was quite reserved and shy. Apathy reigned in her world, feeling uninterested about everything. She was not pretty at all but she got something that made her interesting, her personality.
No one could have ever imagined that these both different people would meet. But they did in fact.
They both were in the same bar a Saturday night having dinner and preparing for going to dance each one with their group. They were closely sitting and he with his friends were talking and laughing too loudly while she and her friends were quietly having their meals. She was quite annoyed because of those loud laughs. She felt that they were doing too much noise to be there and she let them know by looking at them in a serious way, and the first one of the male group to notice that was him. He thought it was funny to see her angry, but he was conscious that they were being quite noisy so he made his friends speak lower.
He couldn’t take out his eyes from her. He looked at her expressions, the way she talked, her face, her eyes… meanwhile she was lively talking to her friends. She was telling an anecdote to the other girls and every time she did this, she did it in a special way. So while she was telling her story, she noticed he was looking at her and immediately she felt inhibited for that and stopped talking.
She was totally different. She was quite reserved and shy. Apathy reigned in her world, feeling uninterested about everything. She was not pretty at all but she got something that made her interesting, her personality.
No one could have ever imagined that these both different people would meet. But they did in fact.
They both were in the same bar a Saturday night having dinner and preparing for going to dance each one with their group. They were closely sitting and he with his friends were talking and laughing too loudly while she and her friends were quietly having their meals. She was quite annoyed because of those loud laughs. She felt that they were doing too much noise to be there and she let them know by looking at them in a serious way, and the first one of the male group to notice that was him. He thought it was funny to see her angry, but he was conscious that they were being quite noisy so he made his friends speak lower.
He couldn’t take out his eyes from her. He looked at her expressions, the way she talked, her face, her eyes… meanwhile she was lively talking to her friends. She was telling an anecdote to the other girls and every time she did this, she did it in a special way. So while she was telling her story, she noticed he was looking at her and immediately she felt inhibited for that and stopped talking.
He and She (second part)
Then both groups paid their bills and went to dance. For his fortune, she was at the same disco as him. He wanted to talk to her but he was nervous. It was the first time that a woman made him feel nervous. He never felt like that. His eyes were fixed on her and his hands were sweating. “Why am I feeling in this way?”, he wondered.
After a couple of minutes, she and one of her friends went to buy a drink and he came close to her. His heart beat faster, but he couldn’t miss that chance. It was now or never, so he walked toward her and took her hand, she turned around and looked at him. The world stopped. The music stopped. They eyes were fixed each other and everybody seemed to have disappeared. In fact, it was as if they were in other place. None of them said a word. This moment seemed as it was going to last for hours… till her friend came back to interrupt that moment. When she realized of everything that happened and noticed this event was real (and none of those that she always dreamed about), she got afraid. She was not able to begin a relationship with anybody. Those inner fears of having a relation came to her mind and she dropped his hand and ran away. He followed her, but she managed to escape. He felt desperate of thinking about that he could lose her for ever. No, that could not be possible.
His heart ached when he thought about that possibility. He looked for her in everywhere but she had already disappeared. He felt anguished.
He found his friends and told them about that girl and they suggested him not to go on looking for, but he knew deep in his heart that they had a connection. He knew she was the love of his life and he wouldn’t be able to be with other woman. He won’t give up. So every weekend he goes to the same disco to wait for her but till now she hasn’t appeared. However, he swore himself he’s gonna wait until she decide to come back…
After a couple of minutes, she and one of her friends went to buy a drink and he came close to her. His heart beat faster, but he couldn’t miss that chance. It was now or never, so he walked toward her and took her hand, she turned around and looked at him. The world stopped. The music stopped. They eyes were fixed each other and everybody seemed to have disappeared. In fact, it was as if they were in other place. None of them said a word. This moment seemed as it was going to last for hours… till her friend came back to interrupt that moment. When she realized of everything that happened and noticed this event was real (and none of those that she always dreamed about), she got afraid. She was not able to begin a relationship with anybody. Those inner fears of having a relation came to her mind and she dropped his hand and ran away. He followed her, but she managed to escape. He felt desperate of thinking about that he could lose her for ever. No, that could not be possible.
His heart ached when he thought about that possibility. He looked for her in everywhere but she had already disappeared. He felt anguished.
He found his friends and told them about that girl and they suggested him not to go on looking for, but he knew deep in his heart that they had a connection. He knew she was the love of his life and he wouldn’t be able to be with other woman. He won’t give up. So every weekend he goes to the same disco to wait for her but till now she hasn’t appeared. However, he swore himself he’s gonna wait until she decide to come back…
Coming Elections
Yesterday, I read on a local newspaper about an interview to a group of young people who are going to vote for the first time for the coming elections on August 26th.
These people said that they still haven’t chosen the candidate as they are aware of the fact that none of the candidates are really good enough. Unfortunately, they are not the only ones who think in that way.
Corruption, censorship, crimes without being punished and lack of commitment are words that come to my mind when I think about the candidates. It’s hard to know who could be the right one, but is there a right one?. I don’t think so.
The current governor has done so many things to not count with my vote (and I think many people will agree with me). He was so corrupt and dictator with his actions that I’m not even going to consider him when I be in “the dark room”. And if I think of the rest of them I also feel insecure. Of course that there might be honest people with their own ideals of changing the problems in our province, but how do we do to find them, to realize who they are?.
These people said that they still haven’t chosen the candidate as they are aware of the fact that none of the candidates are really good enough. Unfortunately, they are not the only ones who think in that way.
Corruption, censorship, crimes without being punished and lack of commitment are words that come to my mind when I think about the candidates. It’s hard to know who could be the right one, but is there a right one?. I don’t think so.
The current governor has done so many things to not count with my vote (and I think many people will agree with me). He was so corrupt and dictator with his actions that I’m not even going to consider him when I be in “the dark room”. And if I think of the rest of them I also feel insecure. Of course that there might be honest people with their own ideals of changing the problems in our province, but how do we do to find them, to realize who they are?.
The hidden lady (first part)
It was a cold winter’s night and as usual, my friends arrived home. When it was too cold for being walking around our neighbourhood we used to stay at home talking, listening to music or playing cards, but that night was perfect to go out. Never had I imagined that my friends and I would be involved in such a situation.
As the night to be ready to be enjoyed, I convinced my friends of going out for a walk, even knowing it was too cold and dark outside, I asked them to go to the surroundings of the Lawn Tennis Club as it was covered with trees and I loved walking over there.
As we were arriving to that place, some of my friends walked slowly because it was a bit dark but my friend Cecilia and I were walking at the front, so imagined our fear when we noticed there was a person dressed in white hidden behind one of those trees. The first thought that came to my mind was that he or she could be playing with somebody else and that was why that person was hidden, but there wasn’t anyone else in the street but us.
As I was quite curious and I was not afraid of anything, I told my friend to keep on walking so we could see nearer who that person was. When we were at about ten metres from that person, she (because it was a woman) looked at us and she ran till the next tree and she was carrying something on her arms. When she ran, we also ran but for the other side.
As the night to be ready to be enjoyed, I convinced my friends of going out for a walk, even knowing it was too cold and dark outside, I asked them to go to the surroundings of the Lawn Tennis Club as it was covered with trees and I loved walking over there.
As we were arriving to that place, some of my friends walked slowly because it was a bit dark but my friend Cecilia and I were walking at the front, so imagined our fear when we noticed there was a person dressed in white hidden behind one of those trees. The first thought that came to my mind was that he or she could be playing with somebody else and that was why that person was hidden, but there wasn’t anyone else in the street but us.
As I was quite curious and I was not afraid of anything, I told my friend to keep on walking so we could see nearer who that person was. When we were at about ten metres from that person, she (because it was a woman) looked at us and she ran till the next tree and she was carrying something on her arms. When she ran, we also ran but for the other side.
The hidden lady (second part)
We were scared because she was wearing a long white dressing-gown and she had long hair covering part of her face. She seemed to be a ghost for her appearance.
We ran toward where a police officer was and we told him the story, but he didn’t believe us. He told us that it was possible that that woman was a ghost and he laughed, but as we insisted, he went there with another official to check everything was alright and to prove us that we were wrong. A couple of minutes later, we heard screams and we saw that two other men ran toward that place. Meanwhile, we were waiting at one of my friend’s house when the police officer came(after an hour or so) and he told us that the woman we saw behind the tree had escaped from the hospital as she had just given birth a baby and she had taken the baby with her to kill him behind those trees. The woman was quite depressed and she suffered from mental problems.
We were shocked by the news. We never imagined that something like that could happen. Once the police man left, the woman was taken to a mental hospital and the baby boy was given to his father who was divorced of the woman and did not anything about what was happening.
I don’t know what has happened to them since that day, but I only remember that we were afraid of that situation but at the same time we felt proud of having saved the life of that baby.
We ran toward where a police officer was and we told him the story, but he didn’t believe us. He told us that it was possible that that woman was a ghost and he laughed, but as we insisted, he went there with another official to check everything was alright and to prove us that we were wrong. A couple of minutes later, we heard screams and we saw that two other men ran toward that place. Meanwhile, we were waiting at one of my friend’s house when the police officer came(after an hour or so) and he told us that the woman we saw behind the tree had escaped from the hospital as she had just given birth a baby and she had taken the baby with her to kill him behind those trees. The woman was quite depressed and she suffered from mental problems.
We were shocked by the news. We never imagined that something like that could happen. Once the police man left, the woman was taken to a mental hospital and the baby boy was given to his father who was divorced of the woman and did not anything about what was happening.
I don’t know what has happened to them since that day, but I only remember that we were afraid of that situation but at the same time we felt proud of having saved the life of that baby.
The Sunshine
The sunshine hurts my eyes and it’s hard to keep in them wide open. I’ve been staying for two days in my bed and I’ve just came out of it. It’s beautiful to keep in bed with your eyes shut imagining I have another life as if I were another person… If I had other feelings… sometimes it’s difficult for me to deal with some many sensations. My mood changes constantly. Now I’m sad, then I’m worried, relax, enthusiastic… I don’t know how to do it. So many feelings…
Now I feel overwhelmed… so many voices, laughs… and I just wanna close my eyes and hear the silence. I wanna be alone…
I cover my eyes with my hands, but the sun is shiner than it was before and still hurting my eyes. The pain doesn’t go… will it go someday?
Now I feel overwhelmed… so many voices, laughs… and I just wanna close my eyes and hear the silence. I wanna be alone…
I cover my eyes with my hands, but the sun is shiner than it was before and still hurting my eyes. The pain doesn’t go… will it go someday?
Saturday, August 11, 2007
On the move
Yesterday I was going to the institute by bus and while I was traveling I had a lot of thoughts that came to my mind. There were a lot of people and I said to myself how interested it would be to know what they were thinking in that moment. I watched them, and in certain cases, I felt I knew what those people thought about because they seemed to be transparent. They seemed to be lost in their world of pains and sufferings and some others seemed to be happy. I could see it in their faces, in their expressions. Some of them were impatient, constantly looking at their watches and some seemed to be resigned about something, with their eyes full of melancholy lost in a place that they only know. From time to time I could notice people in love who are the easiest to identify; pinky cheeks and bright smile, laughing most of the time. It’s funny because you see that on their faces, their eyes are so bright that it’s easy to recognize them.
Many times I wonder if other people notice that, or they just don’t pay attention to that. The thing is that every time I get into the bus, I tend to perceive those attitudes.
Many times I wonder if other people notice that, or they just don’t pay attention to that. The thing is that every time I get into the bus, I tend to perceive those attitudes.
Entertainment
Fortunately, I can say I don’t have too much time to be bored. Well, these last months I’ve been writing, reading and almost dreaming in English!, but apart from studying, I have a life and I try to enjoy it.
One of the things I love doing is playing with my pets (I have two dogs and one cat). You have no idea how much I love them, they are incredible funny and I enjoy playing with them and taking care of them. I think if I had my own house I would have more pets.
When I have plenty of time I enjoy reading and watching movies, and also surfing in the net as I have a couple of friends who I meet in the chat from time to time…
Some other way of having a great time is meeting my friends and drinking mate and chatting about everything. I love my girls and I enjoy spending time with them... they give me what I can’t find in somewhere else. Some times we go out together at night to have dinner or we go to have breakfast and we always have fun. We laugh about everything and it’s always a pleasure sharing moments with them.
I also enjoy going to rock concerts. I love everything is connected with the “under culture”, but there are not many rock concerts for now, so the only thing I can do for the time being is to stay at home listening to music (just God knows how much I love doing that). I think music is one of the things I most appreciate in life. There are times in which I’m not willing to listen to anything else but music. Music accompanies me in everything I do, and if I don’t want to listen to anybody, I just turn on my mp3 and that’s all.
One of the things I love doing is playing with my pets (I have two dogs and one cat). You have no idea how much I love them, they are incredible funny and I enjoy playing with them and taking care of them. I think if I had my own house I would have more pets.
When I have plenty of time I enjoy reading and watching movies, and also surfing in the net as I have a couple of friends who I meet in the chat from time to time…
Some other way of having a great time is meeting my friends and drinking mate and chatting about everything. I love my girls and I enjoy spending time with them... they give me what I can’t find in somewhere else. Some times we go out together at night to have dinner or we go to have breakfast and we always have fun. We laugh about everything and it’s always a pleasure sharing moments with them.
I also enjoy going to rock concerts. I love everything is connected with the “under culture”, but there are not many rock concerts for now, so the only thing I can do for the time being is to stay at home listening to music (just God knows how much I love doing that). I think music is one of the things I most appreciate in life. There are times in which I’m not willing to listen to anything else but music. Music accompanies me in everything I do, and if I don’t want to listen to anybody, I just turn on my mp3 and that’s all.
Noises
I consider myself a sort of strange person. I am a little bit distant, reserved and shy. I know that sometimes I tend to be absent minded and I don’t pay attention to anything that surrounds me, but there are times in which I observe every detail and I don’t want to miss a thing.
These last days I’ve been feeling quite overwhelmed for everything. I feel like I can’t stand any sound or anybody, and it’s hard to explain but that makes me feel strange. I have those moments in which I’d like to be alone in my room and not talk to anybody.
From the very first moment I’m awake till I go to sleep, I feel everybody is talking too loud. It’s strange you know?. I have no problems when I’m alone and I listen to music. I can listen to my favourite songs and that doesn’t deafen me. People deafen me.
I feel like everybody is in a rush and I watch them walk too fast, and I’m just sitting watching that. I don’t know why I feel like that.
These last days I’ve been feeling quite overwhelmed for everything. I feel like I can’t stand any sound or anybody, and it’s hard to explain but that makes me feel strange. I have those moments in which I’d like to be alone in my room and not talk to anybody.
From the very first moment I’m awake till I go to sleep, I feel everybody is talking too loud. It’s strange you know?. I have no problems when I’m alone and I listen to music. I can listen to my favourite songs and that doesn’t deafen me. People deafen me.
I feel like everybody is in a rush and I watch them walk too fast, and I’m just sitting watching that. I don’t know why I feel like that.
Streets of madness
These last days I was obliged to go to the city centre as I had to see the doctor for my backaches that are getting worse and I had to do some tests. The point is that it has been a whole adventure to walk over the city centre of our province as the children’s days is coming. Everybody seems to be irritated. You are calmly walking over there and you are pushed by the crowd. They are desperately looking for the right present for their children, and most of them are also looking for low prices but good quality. They queue (almost for hours!) to get their presents.
Something I could notice is that the majority of these parents take their children with them (perhaps to make them choose what they want), and I found myself with many little children crying or making a mess because they were not bought the presents they had previously chosen. I also saw lots of parents telling off their kids for their misbehaviour.
So my question is, why do they take their children with them?. They reproach their kids for their misbehaviour, but of course they will misbehave. They are kids! and they are surrounded by thousands of the best toys so their behaviour is understandable. Of course they are gonna cry, they want everything they see. How can you make a child understand that he or she can choose only one present?. They don’t understand anything related to inflation or low salaries. They just want their presents for their day. That’s all. So parents, please, next year don’t take your children to buy their presents!
Something I could notice is that the majority of these parents take their children with them (perhaps to make them choose what they want), and I found myself with many little children crying or making a mess because they were not bought the presents they had previously chosen. I also saw lots of parents telling off their kids for their misbehaviour.
So my question is, why do they take their children with them?. They reproach their kids for their misbehaviour, but of course they will misbehave. They are kids! and they are surrounded by thousands of the best toys so their behaviour is understandable. Of course they are gonna cry, they want everything they see. How can you make a child understand that he or she can choose only one present?. They don’t understand anything related to inflation or low salaries. They just want their presents for their day. That’s all. So parents, please, next year don’t take your children to buy their presents!
Thursday, August 9, 2007
My Grandfather
I’d like to introduce you one of the funniest person I’ve ever met: My grandfather.
He is very short and slim. His hair is white and his got wrinkles on his face. He is so tiny that you want to carry him on your pocket.
What’s really admirable is his sense of humour as he’s about to reach his eighty-fives and he loves making jokes and most of his time he’s smiling at everyone. Unfortunately, he’s ill, he’s got arteriosclerosis, and because of this disease he mixes his memories from the past and the present, and sometimes he tells stories about things that never happened and there are times in which he doesn’t recognize us.
Something else that really causes me pain is to see how much my father suffers (as we all do) because he sees that his father is getting older and he may be a bit angry sometimes. He lives with his wife, who told us several times that she can’t stand anymore, and she attempted to abandon him, which would be the end for him. My grandfather is so dependant. I think he wouldn’t be able to live without her. In his past and his present (and even in the events that he has in his mind, but never happened), she’s always present. I can’t imagine what could happen if she leaves him…
Anyway, I can say I thank God everyday of my life for having him. He’s quite older now, and I’m aware of the fact that nobody knows how long he will be with us. The only thing that I know is that I’ll enjoy every minute I spend with him.
He is very short and slim. His hair is white and his got wrinkles on his face. He is so tiny that you want to carry him on your pocket.
What’s really admirable is his sense of humour as he’s about to reach his eighty-fives and he loves making jokes and most of his time he’s smiling at everyone. Unfortunately, he’s ill, he’s got arteriosclerosis, and because of this disease he mixes his memories from the past and the present, and sometimes he tells stories about things that never happened and there are times in which he doesn’t recognize us.
Something else that really causes me pain is to see how much my father suffers (as we all do) because he sees that his father is getting older and he may be a bit angry sometimes. He lives with his wife, who told us several times that she can’t stand anymore, and she attempted to abandon him, which would be the end for him. My grandfather is so dependant. I think he wouldn’t be able to live without her. In his past and his present (and even in the events that he has in his mind, but never happened), she’s always present. I can’t imagine what could happen if she leaves him…
Anyway, I can say I thank God everyday of my life for having him. He’s quite older now, and I’m aware of the fact that nobody knows how long he will be with us. The only thing that I know is that I’ll enjoy every minute I spend with him.
Monday, August 6, 2007
Faith
I’m a Catholic person. I have faith in God and nobody or nothing is gonna take that away from me. Perhaps the only thing that I’m quite sure in my life is about my faith in God. I like going to church but I’m not a regular church-goer. The few times a year that I go to church I feel better after the ceremony (though I don’t really understand why I don’t go there regularly). One of the reasons could be the fact that when I’m saying the prayers, every time I mention the part “and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive them that trespass against us”, I feel I’m lying to God and I’m lying to myself either.
I can forgive people because I know I also make mistakes and I’d like to be forgiven for that. We all deserve a second chance, but there are limits. There are things that can’t be forgiven. There are people who would not deserve to be forgiven. I can’t forgive and forget. People can hurt you a lot and it won’t be fair to make them the things easier. It’s not easy to forget…
Of course that I’m talking about people who have done too much damage to a person (because I don’t wanna be misunderstood), there a things that can be solved with a talk, and it’s not that easy. So I feel I’m not being honest with God, and another reason for not going frequently to church is that I feel he knows what I’m doing (well, of course he knows). He knows I’m lying to him. He knows I’m not gonna change that feeling and I feel guilty. Will he forgive me for that?... I don’t know… probably he will, and that makes me feel guiltier…
I can forgive people because I know I also make mistakes and I’d like to be forgiven for that. We all deserve a second chance, but there are limits. There are things that can’t be forgiven. There are people who would not deserve to be forgiven. I can’t forgive and forget. People can hurt you a lot and it won’t be fair to make them the things easier. It’s not easy to forget…
Of course that I’m talking about people who have done too much damage to a person (because I don’t wanna be misunderstood), there a things that can be solved with a talk, and it’s not that easy. So I feel I’m not being honest with God, and another reason for not going frequently to church is that I feel he knows what I’m doing (well, of course he knows). He knows I’m lying to him. He knows I’m not gonna change that feeling and I feel guilty. Will he forgive me for that?... I don’t know… probably he will, and that makes me feel guiltier…
Exams
I’m just about to sit for an exam. Well, in fact, I have two subjects from second year waiting for me. I was quite disillusioned about myself for still having those subjects. I was supposed to get my degree this year and I was also supposed to be teaching training at the last year of my career, but here I am…
The anxiety is enormous. I can’t wait to be finally tested. Just God knows how much I hate to be tested. My routine changes every time I have an exam. I can’t sleep very well, I eat everything I find eatable and my hormones are crazy; my mood changes all the time and it’s not easy for me to deal with it. I’m afraid to fail. I don’t want to fail. Damn it… if I could avoid them. Some times I’m too confident and I tend to believe I’m invincible, and there are times in which I feel disappointed about myself and I think I will never achieve my aims. I feel like I’m walking on a rope and I’m afraid to fall. I’m always afraid of that…
The anxiety is enormous. I can’t wait to be finally tested. Just God knows how much I hate to be tested. My routine changes every time I have an exam. I can’t sleep very well, I eat everything I find eatable and my hormones are crazy; my mood changes all the time and it’s not easy for me to deal with it. I’m afraid to fail. I don’t want to fail. Damn it… if I could avoid them. Some times I’m too confident and I tend to believe I’m invincible, and there are times in which I feel disappointed about myself and I think I will never achieve my aims. I feel like I’m walking on a rope and I’m afraid to fall. I’m always afraid of that…
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
