Thursday, July 12, 2007
The Past
Don’t you think it would be great to let behind all those bad things that happened to you in the past and just move on with your life?... I know it may sound stupid but I’ve always thought it would be wonderful to put your bad memories in a bag and then throw it away so they never come back. It would be fantastic… don’t you think?... But that’s not possible. They will always be present to let you know who you are. If you made mistakes, you will learn from them; if you suffered, you’ll become stronger and if you had great moments, you’ll remember them with a smile. Your past is part of your present and your future, and somehow you have to learn to live with it. No matter how much it hurts. The past will help you to remember you every day of your life the person you wanna be now…
Friday, July 6, 2007
Light days
I’m accustomed to staying awake till three or four am listening to music, reading something or chatting with friends and in the morning I get up early, avoiding going out from home as I detest the daylight. Don’t ask me why, I just know that it hurts my eyes and I find it annoying. So as you will see, I rather prefer nights…
Just a few days a month I feel willing to “face the daylight” and every time I do it, I really enjoy it. I sit in my garden with the sunshine on my face and I breathe deeply. Now that it’s winter I love this sensation. Listening the singing of the birds and feeling my nose cold as a consequence of the light breeze. Having all these feelings in those moments, I think about how I thank God for having everything I have; my family, my dear friends, my great classmates, my career, my lovely pets and my precious love. I just feel I’m in peace with myself. Perhaps I’m talking nonsense but this sensation comes from time to time so I had to write about it.
Just a few days a month I feel willing to “face the daylight” and every time I do it, I really enjoy it. I sit in my garden with the sunshine on my face and I breathe deeply. Now that it’s winter I love this sensation. Listening the singing of the birds and feeling my nose cold as a consequence of the light breeze. Having all these feelings in those moments, I think about how I thank God for having everything I have; my family, my dear friends, my great classmates, my career, my lovely pets and my precious love. I just feel I’m in peace with myself. Perhaps I’m talking nonsense but this sensation comes from time to time so I had to write about it.
Sunday, July 1, 2007
Negation
I don’t know why I am quite pessimist about almost everything in life. But don’t get me wrong, I just have negative attitudes only towards me. When I’m with friends or relatives I try to be as positive towards life as I could with them or about things related to them, but it happens to me that I can’t have another vision about my life. If something good happens, I know there will be something bad that will come then. When someone likes me, I know beforehand that it won’t worth. Perhaps it’s fear, but I feel like there always be something bad waiting for me which won`t allow me to enjoy a hundred percent of the good moments. There’s always a "but" for everything I do.
Hundreds of times I`ve tried to think about future and the good things that may come with it, but always the past appears in these thoughts and makes me do some steps backwards, trust me when I say that I do try to let out all the bad things that happened to me but somehow they come back. It is as if I walk one step to the front but then I go back others two. But it’s strange for the reason that these negative thoughts have nothing to do with my career. I try to improve all the time with a lot of effort and being responsible so in the future I can be a good teacher and my students learn something from me. This only has to do with my personal life, which has been quite complicated.
Hundreds of times I`ve tried to think about future and the good things that may come with it, but always the past appears in these thoughts and makes me do some steps backwards, trust me when I say that I do try to let out all the bad things that happened to me but somehow they come back. It is as if I walk one step to the front but then I go back others two. But it’s strange for the reason that these negative thoughts have nothing to do with my career. I try to improve all the time with a lot of effort and being responsible so in the future I can be a good teacher and my students learn something from me. This only has to do with my personal life, which has been quite complicated.
Just a dream?
I tend to be a little absent-minded sometimes. It’s difficult to remember names, faces, dates, etc that some people get mad with me because of it (though those who really know me know that I have short term memory)…However, apart from the fact that I’m a bit exaggerated with this, I have to say that there are things that happened to me but I can’t remember them.
According to my mum, when I was seven years old I almost die from pneumonia because of my baby-sitter’s lack of attention. Apparently, my nanny was not very good with me and she never looked after me. She warned me not to say anything and she made me believe that if I did it, I would be severally punished. My mum says that when I was very ill, I was talking nonsense because of the high fever and it was when I told her all the things that the nanny did to me. After that, my older sisters said the same. The thing is that I can’t remember those moments. Perhaps it’s because I was afraid but it worries me cause there’s another moment in my life (that it wasn’t one of the best) in which I have had dreams about it, or let’s just say that they are nightmares, things that would change my view towards life if they never happened. My memories and my dreams are mixed and I don’t know what the reality is. I don’t have anybody who can help me as at that moment I was alone. It’s awful to know that you don’t know but the worst of this situation is that I’m not really sure if I do wanna know what happened cause I’m not sure I’m ready to face it.
According to my mum, when I was seven years old I almost die from pneumonia because of my baby-sitter’s lack of attention. Apparently, my nanny was not very good with me and she never looked after me. She warned me not to say anything and she made me believe that if I did it, I would be severally punished. My mum says that when I was very ill, I was talking nonsense because of the high fever and it was when I told her all the things that the nanny did to me. After that, my older sisters said the same. The thing is that I can’t remember those moments. Perhaps it’s because I was afraid but it worries me cause there’s another moment in my life (that it wasn’t one of the best) in which I have had dreams about it, or let’s just say that they are nightmares, things that would change my view towards life if they never happened. My memories and my dreams are mixed and I don’t know what the reality is. I don’t have anybody who can help me as at that moment I was alone. It’s awful to know that you don’t know but the worst of this situation is that I’m not really sure if I do wanna know what happened cause I’m not sure I’m ready to face it.
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